Megha Suresh Menon
‘Let’s have Chinese food tonight!’
‘Okay!’ *Gulps the extreme craving for an Italian beefsteak and goes with the over-excited friend*
This is me every day. Yes, the latter.
As surprising as it may sound, my life is a constant struggle of figuring out who I want to be as a person. My entire life, I have been called a push over. When I reached a certain point in time, I had a feeling that, my ‘pushover-ness’ had left me with zero respect and consideration from everyone around me.
My friends usually don’t ask my opinion about stuff because they know that I will be ‘OKAY’ with anything they decide. Just because I was not as dramatic as I should be as a human, my people never had a problem with me when they plan to go out without me or do fun things without me. It did not matter. Because all my life I always felt wanted.
There was a clear change of scene when I got married and had to function considering someone else’s priorities. I was never asked or forced to give away my priorities, but the pushover in me cried for attention. I happily took over the kitchen and household. I skipped parties and get-togethers to be home early and cook for my family. I was happy like a newly selected class leader.
But unfortunately, it was just me. My partner did not do any of these things. Why would he! He was not a straw man like me. He had clear ideas about himself and men gotta do what they gotta do!
After the 1001st fight, I knew what I had to do. Be strong. DUH!
So one day I decided to be a strong independent woman. I had my self-respect dusted and hung it over my neck. Like a boss. I said NO to things I don’t want to do. I talked back to people who constantly annoyed me. Fought with my husband to claim my position in the house. Picked up fights with Managers at work, because hey, nobody has the right to ask me to work on weekends! I got ma firm hands right in front of ya!
And MAN! It felt great! I felt amazing when I had the last word in an argument! I used to give up whenever I thought my opponent is a biased pig. But not anymore!
And then it hit me. In the fight to have this so called importance in life, I lost my true self somewhere! I try not to be a weakling and end up being rude instead. There was no in between. I had my hate mode on and closed every possible door that would possibly take away my significance. Like, hello! are you going to have a party without me? How could you do this to me! *dramatic yapping about how I loved the referred person*. I kept reminding people how awful they are for doing something like that to ME! Did they like the yapping? Nope.
Sometimes it would not even make any sense to me. But I still stick with these plans. Because the plan is the man.
And now I am all like, hey this is not what I want! I wanted to be loved by everyone aaand be tough! Life stood there like how a pissed off waitress stands in front of a customer, who took an hour to order and ordered something which was not on the menu.
This article was first published on https://millennialintrovert.com